The Heavy Thinker

 It started out innocently enough. I began to think
 at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though,
 one thought led to another, and  soon I was more than
 just a social thinker.

 I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself -
 but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and
 more important to me, and finally I was thinking all
 the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that
 thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't
 stop myself.

 I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read
 Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied
 and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

 Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening
 I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning
 of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

 I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the
 boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it
 hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real
 problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll
 have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think
 about.

 I came home early after my conversation with the boss.
 "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

 "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

 "But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

 "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think
 as much as college professors, and college professors don't
 make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't
 have any money!"

 "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she
 began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library,"
 I snarled as I stomped out the door.

 I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche,
 with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the
 parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they
 didn't open.  The library was closed. To this day,
 I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me
 that night.

 As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass,
 whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye.
 "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.
 You probably recognize that line. It comes from the
 standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

 Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.
 I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a
 non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's."
 Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking
 since the last meeting.

 I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.
 Life just seemed... easier, somehow,
 as soon as I stopped thinking.